Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
