Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She said her name was "party"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
