I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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