I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
