Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
