Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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