After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
