my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
