I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
