Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
