You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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