my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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