hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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