She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
