I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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