I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
