I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
