I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
