He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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