Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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