And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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