Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
