Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize