you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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