I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
