I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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