Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
vagina is talking i cant
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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