The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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