he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
