We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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