I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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