he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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