I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
