At least make sure they are 18
Why
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
