She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
