We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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