I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
