im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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