She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
