Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
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I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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