I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
