He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
FUCK WHALES
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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