I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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