He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
