then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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