at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
