I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
