i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
