Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just want to make out with him forever
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
