the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
