Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
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Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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