Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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