Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
where are my eyebrows?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
