i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
